I’ve said some overly romantic things recently that have seemed to confuse some people. I was having a conversation with a friend the other day about a date I was supposed to go on. He was excited for me, knowing that I rarely ever go on dates, thinking that maybe I had finally changed my ways. I quickly squelched his excitement however, telling him that I wasn’t in a place where I could go out with someone, even if she was amazing.
Tilting his head sideways, he gave me a confused stare, and finally commented, “You’re being way too hard on yourself. Don’t waste an opportunity just because you don’t have all your business affairs in order and aren’t yet financially stable.†I smiled at him, understanding his sentiments, and thinking of how I could best articulate my odd romantic ideals. People think it’s a backwards mentality for me to want to make something of myself before allowing myself to pursue someone. They think I’m missing out on all kinds of great opportunities, being far too self-critical, not realizing that the right girl will only help me along in my endeavors, not hinder me.
For me, that’s not really the point. I’m not looking for someone who can help me along as I start my business of book selling, supporting me as I build a foundation from scratch. Unfortunately, I’m a romantic. That means that I’m looking for someone whom I can give everything to, someone whom I can sweep off her feet. When a girl falls in love with me, I want her to think, “Wow, this guy is amazing and rare. I haven’t met anyone like him before.†Not that I have to be rich and famous in order for this to happen, I just wouldn’t feel comfortable as a man if I didn’t have as much as I could give to offer her. What’s wrong with wanting to sweep someone off their feet? Sure, it’s old-fashioned and horribly out of date, but is there really something wrong with waiting to be in a relationship until I’ve made something of myself as a man?
It’s a mentality that seems dead these days, but I want to revive it. People these days are looking more for what makes them happy, not really concerned with what they have to offer someone else. I cannot abide that kind of mentality. What’s the point of love if all we’re concerned with is finding someone that makes us happy? Shouldn’t we be more concerned with being the kind of person who makes someone else happy? I don’t know. Maybe I’m just way too much of a romantic to have a hope in our modern age. Tell me what you think.
17 Comments
Hmmm, sounds like when you are ready, you will seek it out and find it, if that is what you are wanting. I admire a person who puts thought into a big life choice such as a relationship, whether that be with a partner or bringing a child into the world. Do what feels right for you, and if it feels right to you, then it is. However, you’re last point is double edged, or perhaps it is the wording where I am getting hung up- finding someone who makes us happy versus being someone who makes someone else happy? Is your intention to make someone happy? Or are you trying to distinguish between seeking external experiences to find happiness versus internal?
Don’t get too hung up on what people think, Ben. Allow them to be as they are because it doesn’t change who you are. How we feel about ourselves is very important, probably the most valuable thing we can do is to know, accept, value and love ourselves before we can share love on a level that is transcending. Sounds to me like you are doing a fine job at that.
I’m very glad you think so
Thank you for your encouragement, as always. I love hearing from you. It’s a difficult balance, being able to take advice, and yet, at the same time, to still remain true to oneself. On the last point, I was just commenting on the fact that it seems like more and more people are only looking to find what makes them happy. People aren’t really asking the question, what do I need to do to be the kind of person worth going after? I wasn’t really getting into the external verses internal happiness factors. I should reword it to make it more clear. Thank you again for your comments! I mailed your book out by the way, on Saturday. It should arrive sometime this week!
Ben,
I think your approach is smart. Too many people rush into relationships without putting much thought into who they are trying to meet or what they want out of the relationship. Before you know it you find yourself at the point where you are either going to hurt someone or yourself. When the time is right, I know you will find the right person. When I found my eventual wife, I was not really looking for a relationship, but the time was right. Once you find that person, the work begins as you bgein to get to know and make sure you are on th same page. its a journey, good not to rush into and prepare yourself for when the time comes. Hope your week is starting well.
Brian
Right on, that’s really good advice. It’s good to hear from someone who has already found what I’m hoping to one day discover. Thanks for the good word
I’m having a very good start to the week. I hope likewise for you!
Benji,
Interesting notions. I admire that you can openly admit that you are waiting to be at the right place in your life before you sweep that certain girl off of her feet. I know that there are still those out there who continue to live life as a romantic and hope to one day be swept off by that one man. But as one of those women still waiting, one thing I know for certain is that whoever will be there to sweep me off of my feet is not going to be my price charming and have the perfect life or have everything in order, because that is not realistic. Maybe I’m cynical, or maybe just an optimistic realistic who knows that whoever he will be God has made him perfect for me. Just a thought. Don’t waste your time dreaming, take action, you have your whole life to become the man that makes her happy. That’s what love and marriage is about.
Ben,
First of all, I loved your book, AT HOME ACROSS THE SEA! A great story in a time I would have loved to live in. I think Laurelin was my favorite character. I have a few questions about the book, maybe someday I will get the chance to sit down and talk to you about it. The things you think about intrigue me. Secondly, in regards to this blog, I am going to put in my two cents: You are truly an amazing person, and let me say that I wish your attitude was the “norm” and not so opposite what most “boys” are thinking at the time they are seeking someone to spend their lives with. I just want to share one thing that I’ve learned in life (so far); I’ve learned that I will NEVER get to the point where I AM a “certain” person. I have changed and will change my opinions, my ideals, my personality, my lifestyle, my thought processes, and even the way I love and what I love. What is so significant to me about that is that the person in life that you choose to be with will do the same thing, no matter where you both are when you begin your relationship, and it is really fun and exciting to do that together, and to look back on what and where you were a month ago, a year ago, 10 years ago, etc. You become who you are and change who you are because of who you are with and what you do each day. Even when you feel like you are at that point where you are that person who you think you can finally give to someone else, you will change. Being part of that growth with someone is a big part of the bond that will make you fall in love with them over and over. I think your strategy for life is wonderful, and I hope the girl who falls in love with you appreciates all you did for her before you ever met! Just remember that she will want to be part of the reason that you are who you are.
Hey Lauren and Margo, it’s really awesome to see you both!! Thank you so much for reading and leaving me comments
Lauren — I agree with you that my vision is not always realistic. To want to have everything in order isn’t probably feasible, but it’s still good for me to strive toward if I can. And hey, God is pretty big. He can do more than we ask or imagine. Hang in there
You’re a great person.
Margo — Thank you so much for your thoughts! And thank you also for enjoying my book
I would love to talk with you about it anytime. I like what you said about changing along with someone, and developing together. I think there’s definitely a lot of wisdom in that. After all, if the one you love isn’t going to help change you for the better, what really is the point of the relationship? I just have always wanted to be the kind of man that has something really great to offer. But sometimes I think I carry the notion too far. I really like what you said about falling in love with someone multiple times. I’ve never really thought about that before but I can see how it would happen. That’s something awesome to look forward to 
Thank you again for the good advice.
Ben,
First of all, let me just say that I admire you for posting such “romantic notions”. Like the women to comment before myself, it’s a breath of fresh air to discover a man whom, for whatever purposes, doesn’t assume that romance and chivalry are dead. But I have to question your ideal of romance…if you don’t mind :). Just what exactly are you thinking of when you hope to be a man to sweep a woman off of her feet? You state that you want to be able to give that woman everything, to make her happy…but have you asked around? Found out what it is that women ACTUALLY are looking for? I think you might be surprised at what you discover. Women were designed to be a helper, created for companionship. Unfortunately, in our journey to become individuals, most of us find ourselves completely alone. Of the women I know, most of us are longing for accompaniment on our journey, as well as the opportunity to be a support to someone elses. We desire respect and honor. Someone to grow with, be challenged by, rise and fall with. A true companion. “Romantic” words and actions are merely icing on this cake :). Being yourself (or at least the “self” that we have had the opportunity to read here), is what will sweep any woman off of her feet.
Secondly, I say what I did above to also ask another question :). I mentioned things that women need. And in my personal pursuit of becoming a woman that is worthy to be swept off of my feet…I wonder what men really need. I’ve been told by several people that men need someone to be proud of them, to stand behind them in their pursuits…is it true? Men often declare women to be the most confusing species on the planet…HA, I say the opposite is true. I have yet to figure out what men want! Therefore, my statements and my questions come to you from complete humility :).
lj
LJ!
Men seem to need lots of different things. For my own part, the one thing I’ve always really wanted is to find someone whom I genuinely admire. I actually wrote an entire blog about that one a few posts back 
To sum it up, the thing that I admire most about women is their femininity — things like compassion, grace, kindness, and gentleness. But I agree with what others have told you. Having someone be proud of me has got to be just about the greatest thing ever. I’ve only been told by girls a few times in my life that they are proud of me, and it really is something great. We should discuss it more though. I think we could learn a lot from one another. Thanks very much for reading!
Thanks very much for your great thoughts. I am taking in everything you said. Your first question is very valid. I haven’t really done very much asking. I suppose I’ve always assumed I’ve known what a girl really wants, though that’s probably not a wise assumption to make, especially since some of the things you mentioned weren’t things I would have thought were highly esteemed by women — like companionship. But I can see how that would be something important.
Secondly, your question about men probably warrants another entire blog
Ben, I was reminded so much of what my husband said when we first met: that he had wanted to be in a better situation for his love, his wife. And it is true, he was definitely not in the best situation - although we worked together and I knew that with his professional designation it was only time when he would grow into his career. So, his being basically at the beginning of a (changed) career didn’t put me off. Neither did the fact that he was in the midst of a divorce from his first wife (with whom his extremely conservative parents had matched him — and you thought you are old-fashioned!) I didn’t let those things deter me from taking a second look at him when he showed interest in me. Because he really did sweep me off my feet with the sense that, with him, I would truly know love. Excitement too. But mostly it was that sense of sweetness that my soul reacted to.
That’s really cool! I’m really happy for you Lydia! I’m very encouraged to hear stories about how things work out for the best in the end. Thank you for sharing!
Hi Benji!
I have to say I love the way you think. I myself used to long mostly for my signifigant other. But as I have grown and also been fortunate enough to not become part of a couple in that thinking and seen friends relationships intimately, I have become single-mindedly on a mission to become the best potential of me given those things I have been so richly blessed with. I won’t say I no longer want to be married, however I really see it differently. I long for that which is best I am blessed with singleness for now and all the things that draw me towards a higher relationship that in my younger years would have suffered for whoever that may be. Now I want someone to not only care for and love but a partner in this world a fellow soldier i can assist in sharing the great love I have received with others to both be useful in bringing glory to the only one who deserves it. I actually used to fall in love very easily. And now I long to serve and won’t be able to give up the freedom to fully serve and submit unless I know that man is clinging and no matter what else comes in life will cling to and submit to the plans appointed to us for that which is beyond these light and momentary troubles. So I guess as I see God will bring Him when are both ready to always serve Him first and be worthy through Him only of the calling which we have received. And as a girl, guyfriends like yourself and others we know help me retain my hope that those who are not of this world are still out there and therefore a guy to sweep me off my feet is not just a fairytale but a reality. A blessing to those hearts that hold out for the yearning he has given us that stay even after we have prayed they be removed and know he is a faithful God. Btw sorry for the bad grammer. I am definately like moses in the thick tongue department. Praise God he uses cracked vessels like me.
Hi Benji, Also this reminds me of when Jesus said I go to prepare a place for you. And our marraige relationships are to mirror his relationship to us and the church. So I think thats a great pricipal the men of jewish decent used to go and build on a house for their wife to be and could not come back for her till they had agreed upon goats and shook the shoe and then built the room and then come back with a wedding party. The more conviences we seem to have the less experienced we are in truely waiting, the harder these concepts are to hold onto in society. The reason it takes so long for me to respond is I have this desire to best get my point across with the right words, anyway not fully formated thoughts are better than not giving the input at all. It could take forever to say exactly what one wants and then would still be in their frame of view. I guess thats what makes me really admire writers like you and Jon edwards and hudson taylor and others. Being able to communicate those things so eloquently. I wonder if it takes a lot of patience with yourself or if exactly what you want to express rolls out easily. Either way thanks for sharing your gift. Heidi
Howdy Heidi
I was actually thinking of that exact thing you just mentioned when I wrote this blog. That’s really cool that you mentioned that old Jewish tradition. I didn’t know that that many people were aware of it 
And I don’t know why you don’t feel eloquent. Your thoughts are very concise and well-defined. I’m very glad you shared.
I appreciate your affirmations in your first comment. It’s awesome, as you mentioned earlier in our talk, to talk to other people who feel similar. It’s cool that you’ve come to a really good place through what you’ve learned. I admire that
Here are a few thoughts which I am compelled to share by a jolt of honesty.
I know so many incredible girls who are waiting for an amazing guy like you to be swept off their feet…waiting to be pursued by prince charming. The fact that you love the Lord, aspire to be a better man and want to offer all you can to a girl already makes you a rarity. Perfection will not come…and in the meantime, the girl of your dreams is waiting to share a love - for better or worse. Love is not proud. I think it’s honorable and completely respectable that you want to make something of yourself before you sweep a girl off her feet, but in life you never know what’s going to come down the pipe. Why wait to love and share the adventure? It’s amazing that you want to grow in your character so that you have better things to add to someone’s happiness. But what about that girl wanting to add to your happiness?…I bet she’s waiting to start! Growing in character is something we get to experience our whole lives, and I think that’s part of the beauty of falling in love and growing old together.
I agree with you that good, old-fashioned romance does need to be revived. Too many people are selfish in their pursuits of love. Yet, since you hold this mentality, I feel you’re already on the path to sweeping that beautiful girl off her feet. Don’t wait too long…she wants to love you, too. All that said, God will let you know when to go for it…trust the Author of the love story.
Erin! Thank you so much for your thoughts. They definitely hit home for me, especially what you said that “Love is not proud.” As time goes by, I’ve been realizing more and more that part of my desire to do something special for someone does boil down to pride, because thus far, I’ve only allowed things to go according to my plan. Thank you for your encouragement. It means a lot. Though I still have a far ways to go, I’m starting to change in my thoughts about the way things should happen.
You’re welcome, Ben. If there’s one thing I’ve come to know over the last few years, it’s that two things are certain - uncertainty and God. God is constant and faithful. But how life unfolds is uncertain. I’m so thankful we have a Rock as the foundation!
Also, I’m not sure if you’ve seen the movie 27 Dresses, a chic flick, I know, but in that love story, the guy realizes how selfish he has been and finally wants to be a man who takes care of someone, the girl he loves. He wants to be there for her and love her forever. It’s a scene I thoroughly enjoy.
So with that, I do appreciate and admire your heart to be a man of character, reviving old-fashioned romance and sweeping a girl off her feet. That’s every girl’s dream after all.